My relationship with my body has always been complicated.
As a young child, the seeds of self-doubt and shame were planted by adults whom I trusted. A below average performance in third grade gym class and comments like “wow, you’re a big girl” quickly picked away at my confidence. In middle school, I became painfully aware that many of my peers judged me for my size, too. I was wanted for my academic achievements, but rarely chosen for friendship on the playground.
In high school, I took weight loss matters into my own hands by starving myself of nutrients. I often opted to drink water in social situations, rather than partake in the offered snacks. And when the positive comments started coming my way, it only fuelled the unhealthy fire. In university, I was suddenly in full control of my food choices, and I started going to the gym, or running trails back home in the summer. I had decided that I wanted to feel strong and healthy, rather than focus so much on a number on the scale.
In adulthood, I have felt truly seen and appreciated for more than my appearance, and firmly supported in feeling beautiful and desired through marriage. But I have also picked away at my appearance in the mirror with every deepening wrinkle in my face, every sign of cellulite on my hips, and every dimple on my thighs. Like most, I have fallen deep into the trap of comparison on social media.
Flash Forward to Pregnancy
In both of my pregnancies, I have felt all kinds of opposing emotions towards my body. From a sense of empowerment in giving birth, to plummeting self-doubt postpartum. From incredible pride in all my body has done to create life, to anxious worry about the stretch marks creeping up my belly.
With my first, I was in awe of my body and all of the ways it was changing, because it meant that I was finally going to hold a baby in my arms. I marvelled at her movements and wondered who this little girl was going to be. I received a couple offhand remarks that briefly shook by confidence, but it really wasn’t until that last month that I started to feel the excess weight, and began to question the swelling in my face.
This time around, however, those self-conscious voices started early, as the shape of my body changed sooner. I had been working on positive self-talk and body positivity, so the appearance of a baby bump was a bit of a shock to the system. Along the way, I have encountered surprise on both sides when my due date is revealed, implying that I am both too small and too large for baby’s stage of development. Honestly, the unsolicited comments on your body during pregnancy can truly throw you for a loop, if you let them.
The irony of it all is that I have felt incredible discontent with my appearance at my lowest weight and incredible confidence in my body’s abilities at my highest weight. Through therapy, I am learning that there is often a large disconnect between our cognitive awareness of – and our emotional attitude towards – our bodies. For example, I KNOW my body is physically healthy, and my pregnancy weight gain is within normal range; but, I FEEL that my stretch marks and untoned muscles tell a different story.
And so, here I am on this lifelong journey of learning to love my body in all its varied forms. Cautiously optimistic about the healing that’s to come, and choosing to be gracious when my own mind is not so kind.
xo – Laura