Motherhood is like a secret club.
No matter how much experience you have with kids, how many parenting books you’ve read, or even how many mom friends you have … It’s one of those things that you can’t truly understand until you’re on the inside. And hearing that can be downright infuriating when you like to be prepared.
I knew I was going to be surprised by motherhood, but I just didn’t know how surprised.
My journey to being called mama wasn’t as difficult as it is for some, but it wasn’t a walk in the park either. I can recall frequent tear-filled conversations with friends, dozens of negative pregnancy tests thrown in the trash, and many sleepless nights wondering what was wrong with me. For over two years, I watched other couples announce their happy news, and desperately prayed for my own little miracle.
But here we are on the other side of that journey, celebrating my first Mother’s Day, and as cliché as it might sound, I know it all worked out for the best.
Our marriage was so much stronger than it had been before. Our careers had taken off, providing financial stability and the means to purchase a house of our own. We were now living closer to family, which was a HUGE blessing during those newborn days. And I had finally developed some sense of self-confidence that I would be happy to pass on to my child.
The beginning of motherhood was undoubtedly difficult, as I’ve shared here before, and I’ve felt some pretty heavy guilt about that newborn fog. There was so much confusion – so many missteps – and I just wanted to be doing things right. I didn’t feel present – a strange out-of-body experience – and I struggled with my new identity.
Being called mama really didn’t stick for a good six months, because as I looked around at the women in my life, I simply didn’t feel worthy of the title. I saw moms dressed up nicely everyday, moms who were doing all kinds of fun activities with their kids, moms who seemed to keep their pre-parenthood lifestyle perfectly intact. And I felt like a hot mess.
But I sit here now knowing that this was just a highlight reel that I couldn’t see through at the time. I didn’t ACTUALLY see these moms 24 hours / day, and nobody wants to share their messy hair, tired eyes, and toddler tantrums on social media. Unless, of course, you start following the right people – the authentic, the vulnerable, the honest ones.
And that’s who I’m striving to be.
It’s funny what happens once you’re part of the club.
Secret, untold stories of motherhood start to come out of the woodwork. You’ll suddenly have conversations with people you once knew, hardly know or just met simply because you now have a common experience. The connections you had with people on the inside grow stronger, while your bonds to those on the outside may naturally fade.
Inevitably, the whole world starts to look different, and you’ll start to learn new things about people you’ve known your entire life — including your own mother.
I recently read about a unique birthday tradition in which, on your birthday, you deliver flowers or some other special gift, to your mom. The idea is to recognize that on the day you were born, a woman laboured and lost sleep and gave her whole body, so that you might live. How sweet is that?
Since childhood, I have witnessed my own mom’s natural selflessness. Leaving faithful friends behind when our family moved to a new city. Working the dreaded night shift, so she could be home with my sister during the day. Cooking multiple meals for dinner sometimes because we were picky eaters. Taking us on public transit to the library almost every weekend, never complaining when we wanted to look at the same “I Spy” books over and over again. And even still, working at the front lines of healthcare, taking care of those who can’t always help themselves.
I may have briefly recognized these sacrifices before, but my own motherhood has been a game-changer in my appreciation of them. Now that I know firsthand the beauty (and pain) of loving a completely dependent being with all of my strength, I am slowly recognizing more facets of my own mother’s love for me. And I am so grateful for the opportunity to admire her with completely fresh eyes.
As I navigate these new waters of motherhood, I need my mom now more than ever. She is the example that I uphold in my daily life – to inspire, to lead, and to teach me. And when I’m called to be the hero in my own family, she will forever be my guide.
Just because she’s called grandma now, doesn’t mean she’ll ever stop being my mama.
With barely nine months of motherhood under my belt, I know I have SO MUCH more to learn. But I also know that being called mama is the greatest gift I have ever received. It is filled with so much, stuff — love, exhaustion, joy, shower-less days, fear, laughter, sacrifice, ugly cries, sleepless nights and way too many consecutive days in the same yoga pants. And I wouldn’t trade any of it in.
The good stuff, the hard stuff and all of the stuff still to come are all part of the journey, and as my own mom would say, “we just take it one half hour at a time.”
Happy Mother’s Day!