Becoming a mom is no joke.
I’ve been trying to get back on here and write about my experience for a while now, but I just haven’t had the time. And truth be told, I’ve hardly had the ability to put this experience into words.
The past three months have been a whirlwind. Many happy moments, alongside many tears. Incredible joy, mixed with pain. Euphoria and exhaustion all wrapped up in one.
This is truly the hardest job I’ve ever had, and yet somehow, it’s also the most beautiful.
I keep telling people that pregnancy and delivery were nothing compared to the aftermath. In my experience, pregnancy was a smooth ride, and labour was beautifully empowering, but motherhood was, and often still is, the ultimate challenge.
Several recent books have begun to label the postpartum period as “the fourth trimester.” Doctors are starting to recommend that women develop a care plan during pregnancy and have early contact with a care provider within the first three weeks. But even so, many women – myself included – have felt unprepared for the trials of this period.
My entire existence was eclipsed by this brand new little life.
In the thick of things, a friend reached out to see how I was doing. This simple question caused me to burst into tears, as I wrote back, “I’m struggling with the amount of guesswork there is in motherhood and feeling like I’m never doing quite enough.”
Personally, I’ve never done well with trial and error experiences. I’m a Type A personality and I like to get things right the first time. To my own detriment, I often hold myself to a standard of perfection, and this simply doesn’t fly when you’re caring for another human with their own little personality.
I also wrote, “I knew it would be hard, but there is so much that no one talks about. It feels a bit like an identity crisis… Not sure who I am, or what I’m doing, or even how to ask for help.”
Raw, vulnerable truth here, folks… Even though I was surrounded by love and support, I felt like I had been thrown on a deserted island in the face of a huge tropical storm with no instruction manual on how to build a shelter.
What I did have was a cellphone with access to Google.
I would be searching things day and night, finding contradictory care tactics and becoming more and more confused. I’d ask trusted people for advice and opinions, but end up with no clear solutions. And I believe that this wealth of information actually caused me more harm than good.
Ultimately, I wish I had more self-confidence in the beginning. But that is such a hard thing to find when you’re doing something you’ve never done before.
On several occasions this past weekend, I was graciously reminded that I simply need to do what works for our family. Sleeping beside us some nights? Sure! Thirty minute naps in my arms? Okay! Taking baths together? Let’s do it!
What I’ve come to discover is that many people have a similar experience, and yet they keep these baby care tactics a secret, as if afraid of being judged. And then, the ones who are the most vocal are usually the least helpful.
I’m sitting here now, after almost four months of motherhood, slowly accepting that I won’t always get it right and that’s okay. Much like my experience in education, the trends of motherhood will come and go and I just need to trust my gut.
I don’t think it’s gotten any easier; I’ve just gotten stronger, smarter, and a little more confident.
I’m going to hold her, rock her, snuggle her, and smile through it all, because I know that this stage will only last for a little while. I can already see the changes, and at the end of the day, all I truly want my child to know is that she is so deeply loved.