ap·pre·ci·a·tion
əˌprēSHēˈāSH(ə)n/
noun.
a. the recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something.
I’ve heard many people say that marriage is hard. But when you’re a single person on the outside, it looks pretty fun. Fancy dinner dates, adventurous vacations, and cozy Netflix nights. I mean, who would complain?
My husband and I just celebrated our first anniversary, and although people mentioned it would be hard, I never really knew what that meant. I thought it would be easy to get along with someone when you loved them so much.
After just over 365 days of marriage, I’ve come to understand that marriage is not for the faint of heart. As strange as it sounds, unpleasant feelings and frustrating challenges are part of the package, and if you choose to run from the struggle, you won’t be helping your marriage grow.
It takes a large amount of faith and trust to commit to a marriage. You’ve basically given up yourself for someone else. You’ve replaced “I” with “we” and “me” with “us.” You’ve said, “Hey, person I love, here’s my heart for the rest of time. Please don’t break it.” And you have no idea what will happen in the next year, let alone the next several decades. Both of you will more than likely be completely different people with different goals and dreams. When you really sit and think about it for a while, it can feel pretty scary.
Then, there’s the fact that both of you came into this marriage with a lot of baggage. No matter how ‘smooth’ your life was previous, you have acquired your own personal understandings of the world based on individual experience. The family dynamic in which you were raised has caused you to develop a lot of different habits, and you’ve more than likely made promises to yourself about the kind of spouse you do or do not want to be.
When a marriage is made up of real people in the real world, there is bound to be conflict.
This is all pretty general so far, and I’m imagining some of you hoping for specifics. If you know me and my husband, you might think life is pretty great for us, and while it is a great blessing, it is also a great challenge. I am not an expert by any means, but I do experience life and I have a desire to learn from it. So, with the support of my hubby, here is what I’ve experienced thus far.
Firstly, I am an intensely emotional person with a tendency toward tears. I find myself feeling the negative emotions much more deeply than the positive ones. I feel the sadness and pain of those around me deep down to my core. And sometimes I feel broken, because the same depth of feeling just doesn’t happen for me when it comes to happiness and excitement. This isn’t to say that I don’t feel these things – I do. They just feel much more faint to me.
My husband, on the other hand, is more of a rational thinker. He desires to find the quickest solution to a problem. When he encounters my long face, he typically pushes for a reason – an explanation – the problem that needs to be solved. Usually, I don’t have a reason, and when pressed, I can spiral even further. Why? Because not having a reason means I’m being silly. Not having a reason to be sad means I should be happy.
Needless to say, this difference in emotional thinking between us has caused some friction from time to time. Neither of us is to blame, really. We just haven’t quite learned how to think like the other. We enter situations from the frameworks which we’ve previously built, and these don’t always mesh.
Despite the anger and frustration that sometimes arises, I have come to recognize the outstanding efforts of my guy. Recently, he has chosen to pause rather than react, to listen rather than respond. He has gone above and beyond to make sure I know I am needed, appreciated and loved, despite how much I accomplish in a day.
Together, we have come to understand that marriage is not about making your spouse change for you, it’s about being empathetic to the thoughts and feelings of your partner. Rather than pointing out the wrong, we celebrate the good.
Take this weekend, for example. My husband and I ended up wandering through Walmart one night, and in the end, we walked out with two Nerf guns and some extra darts. It was late when we got home, so we left all the lights off and ran around in the dark shooting at each other. We hid behind doors, snuck around corners, and laughed hysterically. It was completely unplanned, and totally fun. It was the kind of day that reminds me how glad I am to live with my best friend.
Over the past year, we’ve found many different coffee shops, had several dinner dates, and explored different parts of the world on vacation, but my favourite part of all was spending time getting to know the man who holds my heart.
Marriage is a gift and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.