The kind where I cry the whole way home from work.
The kind that makes me want to crawl into bed and never move.
The kind that feels dark, scary and unending.
At first, this overwhelming sadness felt silly. I didn’t know if it was even worth writing about because there were no tragic events, unexpected losses, or hurt feelings to use as excuses. But then I thought about how dishonest it would be to pretend like every week is a great week.
Far too often I have fallen into the hands of envy, scrolling through endless posts on social media that depict all the happy moments one could imagine. This parade of images, words, and memories makes it seem like everyone else has it all together, like nothing could possibly go wrong.
Now, please don’t be mistaken. I love seeing all the happy moments and celebrating virtually with friends near and far. But sometimes, I just need a little reminder that these moments are only a glimpse of real life.
We all have those bad days. We just don’t like to share them.
So, here and now, I’m going to change that. Let’s paint a picture of the week I just had.
I had an amazing weekend with friends and family, getting into the Christmas spirit. The child inside of me was overjoyed to witness all the floats in the Santa Claus parade, and watch the downtown come to life with all the lights on the trees. I got to enjoy quality time with my sister, as we started our Christmas shopping, baked cookies, had a sleepover, and sat in stopped traffic for over an hour in a snowstorm. The weekend was full of joy, laughter and adventure – just what I expect this season to be.
But then Monday hit. (I know, I know, nobody likes Mondays.)
On this particular Monday, I came face-to-face with the reality that a handful of people I knew had been successful with job interviews at the local school board. And I hadn’t even been contacted. While I was happy for my friends, and continue to be, the news created in me the perfect environment for self-doubt. I began to scrutinize every inch of my cover letter, resume and experience. What was I missing? Why wasn’t I good enough? What do I do now?
The optimist whispers, “Don’t be discouraged. You just graduated; it’s only your first time applying. Finish up that AQ course and you’ll be golden!”
But the strong voice of the pessimist echoes, “Ha, teaching? That’s a tough one. Do you have a backup plan? You might want to consider moving.”
Sometimes I just have to laugh when people feel the need to tell me how hard it is to get into teaching, as if I don’t already know. As if my five years of preparing for this career was like living in the clouds. I know that it is a tough job market here in Ontario. I know that I have to fight for it. However, the expectation of difficulty does not negate the disappointment and discouragement that follows.
At any rate, I found myself in a rather negative state of mind. It was as if a massive weight had pinned me to the ground, and I couldn’t do anything to make it budge. While everything in me wished to escape, I have come to realize that this helpless place was right where I needed to be.
Confusing, right? Keep reading.
On my way to work the next day, I was listening to a radio discussion about time management, and I was convicted by the difference between urgent and important. If you are like me, you might say these are one and the same. But let me explain.
Urgent tasks are the ones that cannot be put off for too long, but do not necessarily take a lot of time. Important tasks are the ones that are a bit more flexible, but hold long-term value. By this distinction, urgent tasks would be things like emails and phone calls; and important tasks would include time with family, time with friends, and time with God.
And then came the questions that really caught my attention…
How often do you let urgent tasks come before important ones?
What does your life indicate you value most?
Wow. Talk about a blow to my pride in organization and time management.
I went about the next couple of days with little difference, still clinging to my sadness. But God wasn’t done with me just yet. As I drove home on Thursday afternoon, going from one job to the next, tears were streaming down my face, and the only explanation I had was that I had reached the breaking point of busyness. I just felt so tired, all the time, no matter how much sleep I was getting. However, I’m really not sure this was the heart of the matter.
As I tried to brush the tears away, the little radio in my car started to play a new song…
“To the one whose dreams have fallen all apart
And all you’re left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think you’re on your own
But you’re not alone.”
The tears came again, flowing harder than before. And I kept listening…
“You will be safe in His arms. You will be safe in His arms
The hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made, He will be with you always
When everything is falling apart, you will be safe in His arms.”
(Safe by Phil Wickham)
It’s hard to explain just how badly I needed to hear these words.
Here’s the thing… The 365 days we are given in a year simply aren’t enough to do everything. But we can utilize our time better by setting goals and putting priority on the important things, rather than the urgent things.
And the good thing is God doesn’t expect us to do everything.
So, remember when I said that feeling helpless was right where I needed to be? If I hadn’t been doubting myself, if I hadn’t felt that pain and disappointment, I wouldn’t have been receptive to the notion that my priorities may be askew. I wouldn’t have recognized my own faults and the need to rely on God. I would be moving day to day with the belief that I am perfectly fine on my own.
Although I might still be sad for a while, I know that it cannot last forever, because the one who holds my heart is the definition of love, joy, peace, patience, and understanding.